Saying goodbye...

I have debated about whether or not I want to talk about this here...but ultimately I have decided its a good thing to talk about...almost therapeutic.....I think, I hope.

My dad passed away last year August 8th, 2008.....8-8-8...of course a day that will now echo in my head forever. Although we were estranged, he always held a special place in my heart. He was my dad, my super hero with super human strength for the first 10 years of my life....until reality hit us like a freight train.

I wont go any further than that...but just know that I loved my dad, he created me, he partially raised me, and I know that he loved his girls and it broke his heart (and mine) that life didn't end up the way that it should have but the powers of his illness of addiction were too much for him to........not sure how to say it....I guess the evil of his addiction took him long before his heart stopped.

Damn, I told myself I wouldn't cry.










My sisters and I got a portion of his ashes. My dad was a Big surfer back in the day, he won contests and everything....so naturally, it was his wish to have the warm ocean as his final resting place. So it was decided that when we came to visit Maui, that we would spread his ashes together as his girls.

I fought this idea like no other....I wanted nothing more than for my sisters to just do it on there own and not even tell me about it....I guess for me, its easier to just pretend like it isn't there, like nothing happened. I wasn't allowing myself to experience the full sadness of his loss, a defense mechanism....But, I knew that it would mean so much to him if we all did it together as his girls...one last tribute to our dad. So I went along with it.

When we got to Maui, anxiety kicked in, all of the memories, that I fought so hard to put away, ignore, came rushing back as I traveled through my home town. Memories of my dad were everywhere. His favorite beach, where my sisters and I played for days while our parents surfed. The home where I grew up, and my mom still lives, that my dad did total renovations on...even the hole in the ceiling in the closet when my dad was working in the attic and his foot fell through was still there. A beach cliff he used to take us to and we would watch the waves for hours and my sisters and I would get so damn bored. My elementary school, remembering when my dad would pick us up and he had this funny way he would toss his keys in the air and catch them behind his back like a neat trick. Memories were everywhere....haunting me. Its so easy when I am in the mainland, there are no landmarks to remind me, no memories here tied to my dad....being in Maui forced me to realize that he is really gone.


We woke up early in the morning on May 4th and headed out to the beach...naturally, spreading ones ashes is not something you do mid day in front of hundreds of tourists. We went to this quiet, private beach. It was perfect. There was a small cliff we could climb up on over the water. We (my sisters, our husbands and kids) all went out to the edge of the rocky cliff each of us with a flower in hand. My sister Kelly said a few words, and we dumped his ashes into the ocean. We each threw our flower into the water after the ashes...my sister Johanna also threw a lei in the water.

We climbed back off the cliff and sat on the sand and watched in silence as the flowers drifted slowly out to sea as the sun rose higher in the morning sky. It was at that moment, I felt completely at peace for the first time since August, I didn't even realize I had not felt at peace, until I truly experienced the peace that comes with that final good bye. I could almost feel his soul resting...I know that sounds crazy. But its hard to explain.

anyways, I know this is a weird post...I am sure about 10 of you are deleting me from your reading lists right now because I have totally weirded you out with my depressing post. But I feel better typing about it, and maybe in a couple days, I will realize that I opened myself up too much and delete this...I don't know...just had to share I guess. Its weird losing a parent. Its heartbreaking. But, I have found peace in my heart and my mind and I think that's a good thing...