Pinch me

Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

For 9 months we waited, watching you grow in my belly, feeling your tiny kicks, we couldn't see you or hear you, we could only imagine what you would look like, sound like, feel like in our arms.



Then you came, your dad and I's world changed as we would have never imagined, yet, you fit right in and our lives got just a bit brighter. No one can ever prepare you for the strong love you feel for your children. Over the months we watched you transform from a tiny baby, into a crawling baby, then from baby to toddler in just a few steps.

And tomorrow you turn two. Crazy.

I look back at the baby stage with such nostalgia....and then I have a day like today when my 4 month old woke up at 4am in the morning...for the day...and my Brynn peed on the floor while watching Elmo.....and I think to myself: maybe this kids-getting-older thing isnt so bad after all!
:-)

One Year Ago TODAY!

Speaking of Audrey...one year ago today I got this:


isnt it neat? One year ago, I found out my life was about to get a little better, and today, exactly one year later...She turns 4 months old!

Audrey 4 Months old!

My sweet Audrey turned four months old today. Quite amazing that only 4 months ago, I was sitting around fat and uncomfortable waiting impatiently for her arrival, only to be surprised with labor that evening...

(note to self: please ask your children why they choose to come in the evening hours when mommy needs SLEEP! Why couldn't they have started labor in the morning hours after mommy has a good nights sleep and is well rested and ready for said labor??)




Audrey is getting to be so much fun. She is hilarious, and has such a loud, and happy disposition.

She discovered a few things this month.

One thing she has discovered are her hands, which she will hold in front of her face inspecting followed by a all you can eat hand munching session. Its almost impossible to get a picture of this girl with OUT her hands in her mouth. She is also a finger sucker. She actually sucks the same fingers Chad did when he was a baby.



The other thing she has discovered is her VOICE! Last month, we had some Aghoo-ooo-oos...This month, she has become quite the talker. I sooo wish there was a way to express how cute her little baby talk is, but some things can not be duplicated in picture and words.



One night, we were reading books to Brynn before bed and I brought Audrey in bed with Brynn and layed her next to Brynn and Audrey turned to her sister and was TALKING TALKING TALKING. Chad and I were in TEARS with how cute this was! It was so funny!

Which leads me to another thing she has discovered: Brynn! And not just "oh, look! There is a blob in the distance running around like a crazy Hyena" she actually looks at Brynn and watches carefully at what she is doing/saying/breaking(had to throw that in there *wink*). She laughs at her sister and gives big'ol smiles when Brynn comes and kisses her. Its pretty cute! I cant wait until they can play together.

In the milestone area, Audrey has rolled from back to front ONCE! But I was in the other room, so I hesitate to call it until I see it with my own eyes. Chad saw it, but we have had no action since then.

She loves to sit, and I think she will be sitting independently in the next few weeks....I sit her with the boppy wrapped around her booty and she can sit like that for a while.
We have a Bumbo seat, but I don't like those, it just looks so unnatural and I would *think* that it would actually go against the learning-to-sit process.

Not like I am in a hurry or anything, I am certainly enjoying this squishy baby who cant get into any trouble phase. I know from experience once this kid starts moving, my somewhat peaceful existence with just a toddler and non-moving baby (if you can even call THAT peaceful) will be over.

That's about all I can think of...oh yeah, Audrey is NOT sleeping through the night, but it doesnt feel draining at all, but I would like to work on it now that we are at the 4 month mark...we wont be doing any type of baby food until 6 months, she is I think 16lbs?, and wearing size 2 diapers and 6 month clothes.

Brynn is turning TWO on Sunday which is just unbeleivable...for some reason, I am having a hard time with the age TWO mark...her turning one was exciting, but TWO makes me a little sad that that phase is done and over with, despite the fact that I have SO MUCH to look forward to as both girls get older, its still a little hard to let go.

First day-o-school recap.

So I just got back!

I seriously watched the clock all day. Good think I had a blanket to sew or I prob would have shown up before lunch! But I held back and only showed up TWO hours early. I guess mommy needs baby steps :)

See, in my imagination, I was picturing Brynn rolling on the ground, tired, overwhelmed, wanting to come home and cuddle with her mommy. But of course, as usual, its ME that has the problem. lol!

When I showed up, there my little girl was: covered in paint, playing house, oblivious to the fact that her mother was standing right there to come "rescue" her.

I spoke to the director and she said that Brynn is a very busy kid, so curious and just wants to play play play. The only times they had issues/fits with Brynn was during lunch when Brynn wanted to keep playing. That being said, she didnt eat much lunch.

The biggest triumph of the day is the fact that Brynn took a nap! I was shocked that she was able to settle down and actually fall asleep with all those kids around. So that is awesome.

So, I would call it a success! Brynn seems happy and thats all that really matters!
Brynn did EXCELLENT today.

No Turning back...

Today is Brynn's first day of preschool.

Some people look at me cockeyed when I say Brynn is starting preschool, so before I go on....yes, preschool. Why now? Well, I felt that Brynn was not being stimulated at her babysitter. Brynn is a very busy toddler, who loves playing with kids her age and needs constant stimulation.
At her old babysitter she was almost the oldest one there and a lot of toys for younger kids and I know that they watch a lot of TV there. Is her babysitter super awesome? Absolutely, that is why Audrey goes there, but I just think that Brynn has reached the top of that level...if that makes sense. Am I one of those crazy moms that expect her daughter to read by 32 months and complete trig by 4years? No, I simply want her spending her day with her peers in a place where the activity level matches Brynn's busy-ness and curiosity of the world. okay. enough of that.

ahem.

Today was Brynn's first day of Preschool!!!!

It was pretty exciting for me and Chad, Brynn didn't know what was going on...but she could sense it was something super exciting! She kept saying "I wan Go! I wan Go!"

Before we left, I got one picture...and of course, its of the back of her head as MOST pictures are these days...but at least you can see her cute backpack.


So Chad and I pull up to the school, and as we get out Brynn instantly runs up to the gate as if she has been doing this for a million years. Chad and I, being the *high tech* parents we are both busted out our cell phones for one last picture of our Brynni before she passes through that gate into "schoolhood"...notice the picture: Back of her head. *sigh*

When we got in Brynn seriously went in there like she owned the place, she took off to play, Chad and I were the stumbling, shy, nervous grownups not sure where to put stuff, how to do things. The teacher must have thought we were funny.

Once we (Chad and I) got settled and comfy, we called out to Brynn who was off on the other side of the room. "Good Bye Brynn! We love you!" she barely pulled her eyes off of what she was doing (pretending to clean a play kitchen) and gave us a half ass wave as if to say "yeah, whatevahs, I am busy"

Chad and I looked at each other and shrugged....we started walking away from the school, and I kept looking back at the glass door, I guess I was expecting Brynn to realize we left and come running banging on the door screaming "Mommy NO! NO! Please mommy!" lol! I don't give Brynn enough credit. I seriously turned to look back like 5 times looking for Brynn with no success....I started tearing up and Chad just laughed.

So now the countdown begins before I can pick her up....Brynn will have so many firsts today. First home packed lunch (see pic below) first "naptime" on a cot in a room full-o-kids. First circle time, book time, art time whatever else they will do. I so wish I could be a fly in the wall and watch her interact, learn, play, and yeah, probably have a fit or two.

Here is her lunch: PB&J sushi, Cheese, tomatoes, grapes, and some expensive milk. :-)

Day 6.

SO here are my counters on Day 6!

I am proud ot report I have kept up with all of my goals (telling hubby Iheartyou, moving my body, and ensuring clear counters before bed each night).

I have been working out via 30 day shred, with the exception of yesterday, we went to a Bday party out of town, but I did *move* my body. I have been telling my Hubby how much I love him, although he hasn't seemed to notice. and my counters are clean.

I don't know what it is about clean counters. it just makes the whole house feel alot cleaner. Everynight I take 5 minutes to make sure the surface is clear and clean so when I wake up in the morning the first thing I see is a clean house and not a messy, overwhelming house and it is really a great way to start the day.

There is just one problem....my husband. *sigh*

You see, he thinks his mommy lives here like in the closet or some invisible guest bedroom because he leaves his dirty dishes and EMPTY beer/soda/masculinenergydrink on the counter despite the fact that the recycle bin is literally right.there. And since he goes to sleep after I do, sometimes I still wake up to crap on the counter. ugh.

I really dont know what to do. He has this mental block, he can.not. bring himself to take the extra 10 seconds to put his plate in the dishwasher, and I dontknow, is it possible he is color blind and cannot *see* our recycle bin....

any suggestions on how to deal with a husband who didnt have to do anything for himself growing up?

21 and 30

Its 8pm, the girls are sleeping, my counters are clear, my hubby is well loved, and I have moved my body today! I would say that's a Successful start to my 21 days!

My friend Karly recently turned me onto the 30 Day Shred program. And by recently, I mean last night. LOL! But this is the age of technology, withing 10 minutes of learning of it, I had it on my computer, hooked up to my TV and was working my a** off while Chad watched from the couch.

The way this video works is its 3 levels per video, you do each level for 10 days straight totaling 30 days. Each level has a 20 minute workout that include three 6-minute circuits that are made up of three minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardiovascular and 1 minute of abs.

I thought to myself. 30 minutes? I have 30 minutes total, Not bad, i am sure I have 30 minutes, and a SIX minute circuit: THATS a small number and three circuits? THREE is an even SMALLER number! Sounds easy right alot of Small numbers...piece of cake right? WRONG! This workout is hard!I definitely felt it this morning!

And this workout has no breaks...there was no "walk it out and get some water" it is jam packed with working out from start to finish.

But its a good pain, I remember this kind of pain when I did sports in high school, I always knew that I had a good workout if I had a hard time on the stairs the next day. I remeber our couch ran us HARD and you could tell who was on the team the next day because we were all walking very slowly up the steps.

Anyways, for those of you mommies out there who are short on time and are looking for a quick exercise that really works your body: I highly recomend getting this DVD. I am hoping it will help me firm up those *souvineer* areas from my lovely Audrey...

21 days...

Have you ever heard that if you do something consistently for 21 days it becomes a habit?

I was talking about habits with some coworkers of mine both good habits and bad. There are a few habits that I would like to pick up to make my life a little more positive. There are just a few tiny things that I think I don't do enough that I would like to do more often and if I did them, I think it would make my life just THAT much better.

1) I want to tell my husband I love him every.single.day. In a meaningful way, not just "I love you goodnight" on my way to bed. I really want him to know that I genuinely LOVE him, its so easy to let this little thing fall to the side, but I think its SO important...When he gets home from work, instead of telling him how tired I am I want to tell him how happy I am to see him. I think it will make ME feel better and make him feel better.

2) I want to move my body as in exercise everyday...even if its just a walk around my building at work during lunch. I want to at least take a walk everyday and at most head to the gym at my work.

3) I want to have clean counters every night before bed. That way I can wake up to a clean kitchen every morning. There is something about clean and clear counters...the whole house could be spotless, but if my counters are cluttered, the whole house feels messy. If I just took 10 minutes before bed to make sure all the crap is put away and all the dishes are done...the world would be a better place.

I wrote out some other things but then erased them because the fear of failure overcame my drive. But I think I can pull these off, what do you think? None of these things can take more than moments...I think the excersize will be the biggest challenge. But I want to at least give it a shot.

So, 21 days from tomorrow is March 11, easy to remember because that was my Due Date with Brynn. I will blog about my progress. You all have to keep me honest. Here goes nothing!

Quote of the Weekend

"It looks like you have a baby in your belly"

By the sweetest and apparently most brutally honest 4 year old daughter of a good friend of mine. 4 Year olds never lie.

Someone get me another cookie and a rum and diet coke.

Domestic Wannabee..

So I recently stumbled upon Bakerella and now I am hooked, I can feel my butt getting bigger by just browsing the site for ideas. Ugh.

Anyways, so I decided to attempt her valentines cookies and I wanted to blog them Bakerella styles complete with pictures. Since I have my fancy Nikon D40 camera, why not do some fancy blogging right?

But now, before I go on, I think you should know that I am aware that these pictures are actually lame in comparison with her posts...but I tried.


So here is my ingredient shot....notice the beautiful roses my lovely kids and hubby got me :-)



Here are the women at work! Brynn was super excited to get to help out. And yes, I am aware my hair looks rather Fugly, but I have two small children, leaves little time for beauty.



Here are the cookies on the tray before heading into the oven...I was playing with the Aspeture on this shot...notice how I focus in on a cookie in the middle and the rest are slighty out of focus?





The end result...Large Buttocks inducing cookies...these were actually really good, even if you just ate the cookies plain its really really yummy.




And finally, a picture of my family. I hope you all had a great V-day with the ones you loved despite if you celebrated in the traditional way, I just hope that you took a moment to say "I Love you" and mean it to those that touch your lives.
BTW: Why does Chad always look so PAINED in our family portraits....

Why is Brynn smiling?

Guess who got her toenails painted for Valentines day? She was seriously so excited!

So, we were in Target and I decided to pick out some new nail polish, and I tested some on my finger and Brynn DEMANDED I paint her finger too. So, I complied and she LOVED it. I didnt want to paint all her finger nails for fear she would end up eating it eventually so we compromised on the toes. She was so pleased (as you can tell from the picture above) as you see, it wasnt the cleanest job I have ever done, but she IS two and wasnt exactly sitting still either :-)

Smells like Maple Syrup.

So, I had another round of a pretty bad cald/flu in the last couple of weeks and once again, it caused my milk to dip a little.

But this time, I decided to pass on milk boosting cookies (basically an oatmeal cookie with brewers yeast) because not only did they boost my milk supply, but they gave my belly and a** a little boost too. So this time I am sticking to oatmeal and Fenugreek.

I totally forgot about Fenugreek and how it makes you smell like Sunday Morning Maple Syrup. LOL! There are worse things to smell like I guess. But lets face it: Nothing says SEXY on Valentines day than a lactating wife who smells like warm delicious maple syrup. LOL!

At least my milk is back in full effect.

The bad news is that we are still having baby bottle drama. She literally JUST started taking a bottle over the weekend.
Yesterday Audrey only took 4 oz all day despite the fact that I am pumping 15+ oz at work. *sigh* I know its just the first-week-at-the-babysitter adjustment. But its still sucks and makes me worried, but she is seriously all smiles at the babysitter she just waits until I pick her up to eat straight from the tap. So picky.

I have spent so much money on the baby bottle thing. We just waited too long. What happened was we gave her a bottle at 2 weeks old, she took it and we said "alright she takes a bottle" and then time just flew by and it was just easier for me to nurse than to deal with the hassle of a bottle.

I have bought ever bottle/nipple combination including one of these beauties:

I figured if the bottle costs $12 she has GOT to take it right? WRONG! Oh well.

The only bottle she will take are the drop ins, and not just any drop in, it has to be the rubber nipple, fast flow, and really warm milk. Why do I feel like this is just the begining of my Audrey taking me for a ride?

Brynn would take a cheapo $1.99 gerber bottle ice cold from the fridge (she is also STILL on the bottle) so its really frustrating to have this little challenge this time.

Anyways, like all other challenges in mommyhood, this too shall pass. At least I smell nice right?

Like Mother like Daughter

Here is Brynn nursing her Baby Taz.
She seriously totes this thing around and mothers it. Brynn has now entered the world of imagination, most of her play is centered around her imagination world. Alot of this imagination comes from watching me take care of her and Audrey and then she passes that onto her baby.

She nurses the baby, changes the babies diaper, puts the baby to sleep (complete with telling everyone else in the house "shhhhh" while baby is sleeping), pushing baby in the stroller, putting baby on the potty, giving baby a bath in the sink, feeding baby in her highchair, *sigh* and I am sad to say: scold baby Taz for something she(?) has done wrong.

Luckily, Brynn has yet to learn to cuss and drink from her mommy. *phew*

This time last year.

Okay, I am not going to get too TMI and give you the exact date or details, but....





About this time last year, my little Audrey looked a little like this***

And now?

Isn't it amazing when you really think about it?

I am one lucky mama, I will tell you that right now. I am SO blessed to have two healthy, happy little people in my life, and I am their Mommy and no one can ever change that.

What a difference a year makes. My waist line grew to amazing proportions, only to drop back to a more normal (although looser and larger) size. Our lives have been changed in ways we couldnt have possibly imagined with two children. And once again, I look at life just a bit differently now than I did a year ago and will never be the same again.

I love you My sweet Audrey, I am so happy you came into my life. thank you.

***note: this is not an ACTUAL picture of Audrey, she was conceived the good 'ol fashioned way..there were no photos involved (if there are: chad has some SERIOUS explaining to do)

Single word answers...

I saw this on another blog.
Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass it to 7 other bloggers who then do the same.....but I couldnt figure out how to notify these bloggers that they need to do it...so if you read this and you have a blog: TAG you have to do it now on your blog :-)

1. Where is your cell phone? Lost
2. Where is your significant other? Blockbuster
3. Your hair color? Natural
4. Your mother? Strong
5. Your father? Passed
6. Your favorite thing? children
7. Your dream last night? Work
8. Your dream/goal? Peace
9. The room you're in? Family
10. Your hobby? Computer
11. Your fear? Death
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Thin
13. Where were you last night? drinkingtoomuch
14. What you're not? Thin
15. One of your wish list items? perkyboobs
16. Where you grew up? Maui
17. The last thing you did? kiss
18. What are you wearing? loungewear
19. Your T.V.? off
20. Your pet? Dakota
21. Your computer? Addiction
22. Your mood? Humble
23. Missing someone? Mom
24. Your car? Cluttered
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? Warm
28. Love someone? Many
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today

My Stash

Ever wonder what 1 Gallon of Breast Milk looks like?
And yes, I added it up, its a gallon.

My pride and joy, my liquid gold:

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! Its Off to work I Go!

Its Sunday morning! Tomorrow I will wake up and get dressed, put a little makeup on, attempt to find a pair of pants that fit, and head on out to WORK!

Its bitter sweet. I NEED to go to work: Financially and Mental Health speaking. But I love my girls, and will miss them like crazy.

On one hand, I am looking forward to getting out of the house and using my brain and hanging with my friends and doing all kinds of *Accounting Talk*...you know: Debits, Credits, Journal Entries, Reconciliations, Capitalization, Amortization, and all that Jazz.

On the other hand, everytime I look at Audrey, I tear up. I will definatly miss my girls. I can't beleive that Audrey is headed to 4 months old already, and my Brynn will be 2 in a matter of 3 weeks. It feels like life is slipping past me and I can't keep up.

But, the good news is that I have done this "back to work" thing before, and I know what to expect:
Tomorrow, I will wake up and get ready. Chad will be doing the drop off so I will leave before them. And I will go to kiss my girls goodbye and I will cry. I will prob have a good cry in the car on my way to work as I listen to Bob and Sheri on the Radio, chances are good I will even blubber a bit to myself as I cry alone in the car on my way down to work...I will guess the crying will last until I hit the freeway.

Then, when I get to work, I will be fine and happy...I will be so excited to see my work friends and talk about my girls, put pictures up of my girls all over my cube and find out how everyone is doing.

Then, I will go into the pumping room and prob have another good cry as I pump because I will long for Audreys sweet tiny body to be in my arms nursing rather than the cold, hard pulling plastic.

When work is done, I will rush home and pick them up and give them extra kisses and snuggles and play with them and nurse like crazy and just take them both in as much as I can. This is why working works for me. I really do beleive that I am a much more resfreshed mommy at the end of the day when I go to work. If that makes sense.

The best news is that I opted to come back 2 weeks early but on a Part time basis (everyother day) so I can ease myself back in.

Its been a good 4.5 months. There have been ups and downs and in betweens. So here I go! Wish me luck!

Random Acts of Cuteness

Cuteness.

Mue-Sue-Bee? Moose-ubi? Moo Soo Bee?

It's Musubi people. Spam Musubi.



The strangest occurance happened to me a few days ago. Out of no where THREE completely seperate people referenced me regarding Spam Musubi.

1) My Aunt called me to ask me how its made
2) An old college friend Face booked me to explain it so she could tell her husband about it
3) Chads HS friend made a comment about how I need to make bacon waffles and take back the Spam Mue-Sue-Bee.

For those of you who don't know. Spam Musubi is a popular Hawaiian local food. Like, you can go to your local 7-11 and pick up a spam musubi for a snack, lunch, whatever. A Spam musubi is composed of a block of rice with a slice of Spam on top, and nori (dried seaweed) surrounding it to keep it in shape.

Note: I do not eat spam musubi, I do not buy spam, I do not talk about spam or musubi , or spam musubi on a regular basis so I find it odd that all of a sudden I am totally the Go To Spam Expert. I have on occasion enjoyed this delicacy. Maybe God is trying to tell me that I need to make a batch and sent the messege through these three people. maybe there is some $1M spam prize in a can of Spam and if I go and make some spam Musubi, I will win this prize? No?

Just a thought.

Oh, and I know that I have been blog crazy today, but I havent been sleeping well at night so I keep thinking of all these things I have to say. I think this is it for the day.

Fruit Salsa with Cinamon Sugar Chips.

So, for the Super Bowl party that I missed due to a horrible cold that I am still slightly suffering from and now suspect round 2 of the FLU (I am SO getting the shot next year) I got a recipe from my dear friend Karly for Fruit Salsa with Cinnamon chips...you can get the original recipe Here

I made a DOUBLE batch, because I was expecting to go to a big party. But don't worry, Chad and I had no problem eating the whole thing by ourselves over the weekend. I highly recommend it.

The only thing I did differently, is I didn't add any sugar or preserves to the fruit. I figured the fruit was sugary enough on their own and it was so so so yummy. Oh, and I added blue berries because I love blue berries....

It was super easy to make I will defiantly make it for my next GTG and hopefully be able to go to said Get together (GTG)

And just as an example of how Blonde I am (I was seriously a true blonde in high school, once I turned 18 my hair turned instantly brown, but I am still a blonde on the inside) I thought that Cinnamon sugar was half half. So when it called for 2 cups of Cinnamon sugar I thought it meant 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of Cinnamon. Luckily, I told Chad of this, and he said "hell no Lady". And informed me that its more of an eye ball thing and mostly sugar.

So Kelly, here is what you missed out on :-)

Ingredients:
2 kiwis, peeled and diced
2 Golden Delicious apples - peeled, cored
and diced
8 ounces raspberries
1 pound strawberries
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 tablespoons fruit preserves, any flavor

10 (10 inch) flour tortillas
butter flavored cooking spray
2 cups cinnamon sugar
Directions:
1.
In a large bowl, thoroughly mix kiwis, Golden Delicious apples, raspberries, strawberries, white sugar, brown sugar and fruit preserves. Cover and chill in the refrigerator at least 15 minutes.
2.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
3.
Coat one side of each flour tortilla with butter flavored cooking spray. Cut into wedges and arrange in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Sprinkle wedges with desired amount of cinnamon sugar. Spray again with cooking spray.
4.
Bake in the preheated oven 8 to 10 minutes. Repeat with any remaining tortilla wedges. Allow to cool approximately 15 minutes. Serve with chilled fruit mixture

The Circle Period.

Brynn is absolutely obsessed with circles. I think it comes from her fascination with the moon.
She has also become obsessed with Drawing, although she calls drawing "Yellow" for some reason. Too Cute.
Here is one of her latest works of art. Okay, I realize that nothing on there resembles a circle...she is still working on the circular motions.

Just I side note...I discovered that Brynn knows all of her basic shapes? (Circles, hearts, square, rectangle, diamond, star)! Amazing! Shoot,*I* don't even know all my shapes.


I have started to take pictures of my favorite pieces of art for my blurb book because I refuse to keep every work or art. I know what preschool/kindergarten will be like and I just don't have room for it all.


My MIL has kept everything that Chad TOUCHED from birth to age 18 and while I get the nostalgia factor. I just don't have room for it. Seriously, what am I going to do with his gym shorts from 4th grade. I get it: he was tiny, I get it: his 4th grade cute little skin touched those shorts. But WHAT am I going to do with it and all of the million other artifacts that is the History of Chad??? Phew, I digress....


And just as a bonus...here is a picture of Brynn and her Maternal glory. She is so cute.

Dear CA Law Makers,

Dear CA Law Makers,
Do you know what would happen to me and my job if I missed a deadline by MONTHS? I will give you one guess....give up? I wouln't HAVE a job!
Please stop the crap and come up with a solution.
thank you,
Irritated Citizen.

Cute Little Packages.

Mommy Guilt.

We all have it.

When I was pregnant with Brynn, a good friend of mine told me that Guilt and worry begins at conception. Its so true.

I am still in the depths of my horrible cold and had a rough day yesterday, so I was really feeling the guilt as Brynn spent the day watching the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Audrey was down for a nap at the first sign of fussing.

Having two children adds a whole new layer to the guilt factor. Pardom my rambling as I try to get this into words.


My First Born:

I am sorry that you had one year of ALL MOMMY and then the rest of the time you havent received my full attention. I know that you have had to learn to patience, which is a good thing, but I would love to be able to be three places at once and have 8 arms.

I am sorry that I am so burnt out all the time. I am sorry to say I may not be cut out for this task I have signed myself up for. I know it will get easier as you two get older, and once I go back to work...*hopefully* it will go back to like before and i will be more refresed at the end of the day.

I am sorry that you have to see me cry when I am overwhelmed by the task in front of me. It kills me when you say "Whats wrong mommy?" but it makes me feel so good when you come and give me hugs. But, *I* am supposed to be the strong one who comforts you when you cry, not the other way around. You are only 2.

My Second Born

I am sorry that I do not have time to rock you to sleep in my arms and let you listen to my heartbeat through my chest as you sleep. I wish I could sit there and listen to your soft breaths as you dream, I feel like I have really missed out on that this time because once you are in bed, I have to take off to take care of other things. So, I lay you in bed while you are awake, and even though you are asleep within minutes, it hurts my heart to know that you are falling asleep on the cold sheets and not in my warm arms. I know that people say its a good thing that you can put yourself to sleep, but you will only be this small once, and I feel like I have very little time to stop and savor it and take it all in.

I feel like sometimes you are shoved aside so I can deal with your older sister. I know it will make you a more independent person, to beable to entertain yourself, but I cant help but feel bad.

The Good News:
In about a year, my Audrey will be up and running around playing with her sister. They will grow up together and be the best of friends and the worst of enemies all at the same time. They will share a room and eventually stay up late talking and playing.

Someday, Audrey will get over her hatred of all things car seat and we will be able to leave the house for periods of time with no stress factor.

Someday, they will be old enough for sleep overs.....at OTHER peoples houses. And Chad and I will enjoy an evening at home with no children. ;)

Someday, my girls will have children of their own and I think only at that point will they really understand me. I never had an understanding of my mom and the sacrifices she made until I became a mother.

My Husband...

Its 8am on Super Bowl Sunday...I am supposed to be going to a fun party to eat myself silly and gossip with the girls, but Brynn gave me her cold...why is it I get sick at every special occasion? And the worst part is since I am nursing, I am too afraid to take anything.

So, I can sit here and be all *thinking* and *blogging* in my PJs.

My Husband....god knows I love the man. He is a great guy, great husband who has put up with my post-pardum lack of sex drive (TMI?), and an even better Father. But Day-um he drives me bonkers.

There are a couple of things that drives me nuts. But today, I would like to focus on his Memory skills, or lack there of. Are your husbands like this? Or just mine?

Oh Man is this one on the top of my list. Its so weird because he has all of this random crap he will remember, like random movie facts, and music history, and boring ass science stuff, and things of that nature. But a conversation we had 1 hour ago...it disappears into the abyss that is his brain. *sigh*

Here is a conversation we had a couple days ago:

Me: "Babe, we have a birthday party of Feb 21st in Sacramento for Sean."
Chad: "okay, what are they doing?"
Me: "Go Cart racing, but its a surprise party so don't say anything"
Chad: "Sure thing"

***we even went on to have a full blown conversation about how I just wanted to go to Sactown and back and not make it a big production by going to his parents house and everything else.

Last night:
Chad: "Lets go to the Steinhard in February"
Me: "okay, but not the weekend of the 21st"
Chad: "Why?"
Me: Seans birthday.
Chad: "What are they doing"
Me: "Seriously? We talked about this...you don't remember?"
Chad: "No really, I don't remember"
Me: "Chad, Please LOOK in your brain and think about it....don't just say 'I don't remember' out of default....actually take some time and try to remember"
Chad: (squinting as he is concentrating and searching his brain for our conversation) ...... "Nope, I don't remember"

He seriously had no recollection of the conversation...like it just disappeared into outer space.

The worst part, is he admits that the reason that he never remembers things I tell him is because he never fully listens to me (AH-HA! Busted!)...like I am that voice from Charlie Brown and all he hears when I talk is "wha wha wha wha wha". What an arse. But at least I can use it to my advantage to get out of things.

"babe, I told you about it months ago....you must have forgotten, poor thing."

Men, you cant live with them, and you can't pro-create with out them