Mommy Guilt.

We all have it.

When I was pregnant with Brynn, a good friend of mine told me that Guilt and worry begins at conception. Its so true.

I am still in the depths of my horrible cold and had a rough day yesterday, so I was really feeling the guilt as Brynn spent the day watching the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Audrey was down for a nap at the first sign of fussing.

Having two children adds a whole new layer to the guilt factor. Pardom my rambling as I try to get this into words.


My First Born:

I am sorry that you had one year of ALL MOMMY and then the rest of the time you havent received my full attention. I know that you have had to learn to patience, which is a good thing, but I would love to be able to be three places at once and have 8 arms.

I am sorry that I am so burnt out all the time. I am sorry to say I may not be cut out for this task I have signed myself up for. I know it will get easier as you two get older, and once I go back to work...*hopefully* it will go back to like before and i will be more refresed at the end of the day.

I am sorry that you have to see me cry when I am overwhelmed by the task in front of me. It kills me when you say "Whats wrong mommy?" but it makes me feel so good when you come and give me hugs. But, *I* am supposed to be the strong one who comforts you when you cry, not the other way around. You are only 2.

My Second Born

I am sorry that I do not have time to rock you to sleep in my arms and let you listen to my heartbeat through my chest as you sleep. I wish I could sit there and listen to your soft breaths as you dream, I feel like I have really missed out on that this time because once you are in bed, I have to take off to take care of other things. So, I lay you in bed while you are awake, and even though you are asleep within minutes, it hurts my heart to know that you are falling asleep on the cold sheets and not in my warm arms. I know that people say its a good thing that you can put yourself to sleep, but you will only be this small once, and I feel like I have very little time to stop and savor it and take it all in.

I feel like sometimes you are shoved aside so I can deal with your older sister. I know it will make you a more independent person, to beable to entertain yourself, but I cant help but feel bad.

The Good News:
In about a year, my Audrey will be up and running around playing with her sister. They will grow up together and be the best of friends and the worst of enemies all at the same time. They will share a room and eventually stay up late talking and playing.

Someday, Audrey will get over her hatred of all things car seat and we will be able to leave the house for periods of time with no stress factor.

Someday, they will be old enough for sleep overs.....at OTHER peoples houses. And Chad and I will enjoy an evening at home with no children. ;)

Someday, my girls will have children of their own and I think only at that point will they really understand me. I never had an understanding of my mom and the sacrifices she made until I became a mother.