*Slight* Nervous Breakdown.

Yesterday I had a *slight* nervous breakdown. And I withheld myself from blogging about it in fear I would post something I would regret ;)

I had a rough week. A Rough and lonely week.

Let me set this up for you:

After spending the holiday week in Del Mar with my family, lots of company of family (family that I *want* to be with) and people wanting to hold/play with my babies. Even though they would hand over the kiddos the moment either one would make a peep, it was still nice to have people to entertain Brynn while I nursed or hold Audrey so I could eat sitting down.

So to go from that to coming home was a bit of culture shock.

I had the flu on Sat/Sun/Mon, so nothing was done as far as unpacking, settling in.

Chad worked late hours mon-fri, he usually has Friday off, so not only was he working later, but he wasnt home on Friday. He also went Skiing on Sat, so I had a 6 day work week, so to speak.

I dislocated Brynns elbow on one of the days, I already forget, its all a blur.

Audrey HATES her car seat. I mean I have never seen a baby hate a car seat as much as Audrey hates her car seat. It doesnt matter if its in a stroller, on the ground, in the car, moving, not moving, warm/cool/jiggling/motionless/radio on/radio off that girl will be SCREAMING bloody murder in it. So needless to say, trips out of the house, even just a walk around the block are a cause of much anxiety for me.

Audrey had an appt, blood draw, heel prick, immunizations during the week (again, dont know what days these all went down)...THAT friggin sucked.

I also have this huge.ass.kitchen. we got for Brynn (and *will* be getting rid of) sitting in my diningroom and taking up so much space we have loss use of our dining table. So my house is SO not feng shue (sp?)

okay....now that I have given you background....................

on the 6th day of the week, saturday, Chad left to go skiing at about 5am. I woke up Sat morning, got the girls downstairs, Brynn was running around naked ripping the house apart like a crazy monkey child, Audrey was her usual newborn self. I took one more sip of my now cold coffee, I looked around at my messy house, and all the unfinished work that i need to do and the children that I need to take care of like I do EVERY.FRICKIN.DAY. and I lost it, I completely lost control and just released what I had been holding in all week.

At that same moment Chad called me (poor guy) to see how my day was going, and that REALLY put me over the edge, so I was able to put into words (blubbering, but words nonetheless) what I was feeling.

I am burnt out beyond recognition. I am lonely and feel isolated. I have no help. I haven't had a real adult conversation all week, and I am CRAVING interaction with people....so much so I find myself looking forward to going back to work so I can use my brain. I am so tired of taking care of my kids, which sounds horrible, but its true. I just need a break, to be alone, with out nursing, or doing bathroom duty, or fixing meals/snacks, or cleaning up the endless mess, or answering ELMO requests, or anything like that for JUST A BIT.

Its not that I dont love my children or enjoy playing/taking care of them....its just after 6 days of going at it alone....I just want to beable to say "can you take this kid while I go (insert activity here)?"...but its not an option....its never an option....its all me all the time. I get about 10 minutes of conversation with my husband when he comes home from work after the girls are in bed and then he is off to watch TV or play some computer game, and I am off to bed.

I am so sick of my house, but I am slightly paralyzed at home with a baby who cannot stand her carseat, and a toddler who is a pain in the ass to go places with.

I miss my mommy. I miss my sisters. I miss that feeling of *home* I get from being with my family. I have no family here. I have GREAT friends, but its just not the same. I am so jealous of those people that have their family close by and seem to hang out with them on a regular basis doing family things. My daughters will never know their extended family like that. They will never be as close to their grandparents/cousins/aunties.

I am so burnt out and it breaks my heart. I want to beable to enjoy my time with my girls before I go back to work, but after this last week.....its not feeling that way. I am not happy play mommy, I am burnt out as sh** mommy.

okay, it wasnt all gloom and doom last week. There were those sweet moments cuddling with both girls, and sweet audrey coos and a-goos, audrey is so close to rolling over its scary....and Brynn was cracking me up with her shananigans, I will admit that...

But sat morning all I was thinking of was another day. alone. at home. taking care of children. doing laundry. cleaning up messes. by myself.

So that was my nervous breakdown. I let it out.....and I let it out again when Chad got home. But today is a new day. Chad is home to help, we are going to get that damn kitchen out of here. We are going to get caught up so that next week, will be, a bit better, so I can enjoy my girls and be the best mommy I can be.